DO YOU WANT TO PUT AN END TO SUFFERING IN YOUR CHILD CUSTODY OR DIVORCE ACTION?

Did you know that you have control over how much you choose to suffer in your Child Custody or Divorce Action?

When you break it down to the simplest form, “All suffering comes from attachment.” Let’s analyze this concept in terms of your divorce or child custody case.

We accept the fact that “The best interests of children” are paramount in any child custody case and divorce case.

What tends to happen, however, particularly in a highly contested divorce or custody action, is that one or both parent’s lose their perspective on “What is truly in the children’s best interests” as opposed to “I don’t want to give up any precious time with my children.”

It is true that every moment with a child is a miracle. However, when parents choose to separate or divorce, the real fact of life is that each parent is not going to have all of the time that they could otherwise have had with their children.

This is one of the most devastating results of parents choosing to live in separate households. However, if you have made that decision (or that decision has been made for you) then it is time to face reality.

Unless the children will be emotionally or physically abused by the other parent, most custody battles come down to “How do we divide their time up?”

In my 30 years of divorce and custody litigation practice, I often have seen parents fight for months over what, in reality, is a minuscule period of time in light of the “eternity” of a child’s life.

Give up those extra days, that extra vacation or that extra holiday. Believe me, your children will be delighted that the custody battle is over, and it will end the suffering for both you and your children.

Child custody is not a game in which the “ego” must be fed by showing the other parent that you can win your point. This is exactly what brings the endless suffering to you and your children.

Get rid of the ego and the need to “win.” When issues arise in your divorce or child custody action, put them into perspective by framing them in the following thought pattern: in light of eternity and specifically in light of my child’s entire life, both as a minor and as an adult, is this particular concern worth fighting about and worth intensifying and extending the suffering?

Questions included in my Blog about Divorce and Child Custody are from individuals using Yahoo.com Answers and similar sites.  I have included my answers to their questions,  hoping that my answers will provide valuable divorce and child custody information to anyone in a similar situation.

QUESTION:

I have a three year old son and in april of this year his dad took me to court

to get visitation. He was granted that and I’m ok with that. What I’m not ok

with is that he has his girl friend living with him. Can i stop my son from

going over there? Also he is still married to his wife. I hope you can answer my

questions for me.

DIANNE’S ANSWER:

If the Father’s girlfriend is unfit to act as a parent, then you can apply to the court to withhold visitation.  You must, however be able to prove that she is unfit.  Issues such as drug abuse, the abuse of alcohol,  and physical violence are a valid basis to withhold child custody or visitation.

However,. just because your son’s father is living with another woman in a situation that you feel is morally inappropriate is not sufficient grounds in most jurisdictions to withhold visitation or child custody rights.  Most courts turn a blind eye when the issue involves moral or ethical concerns.

One of the parent’s most important duties as a parent is to be a good example for their children.  One would think that this consideration would carry a lot of weight in child custody cases.  Frankly, in most courts it does not.  And we wonder why we have a society with few morals and ethics left?

In any event, if you want to try to withhold visitation, be certain to apply to the court for the right to stop the visitations.  If you decide to voluntarily withhold your child without the blessing of the court this type of action could cause you to actually lose time or even custody of your child.  Be certain to follow the proper legal procedures.

Primary Parents Win Custody Rights

When married, you share the responsibilities associated with the children. Even in our modern society, many families retain the tradition of Dads being financially responsible for the family and Moms spending more time dedicated to the home and the children. Those couples who share the responsibilities on an equal basis, still only take care of part of the child rearing duties while together.

Now, your job is to prove to the court that you are capable of being a single parent. You must demonstrate that you have experience in taking care of every aspect of your child’s life. The sooner that you can show that you are a complete parent, the better.

Courts tend to look at who was the “primary” parent during the relationship as the parent most likely to receive custody. Your job is to show the court that you were, or can be, as much or more of a primary parent than the other Parent. It is never too late to start this pattern.

If you haven’t already, and can start to take the following actions even before separation, you will have a head start in the custody battle.

If you have already separated, start immediately with what you can. Courts tend to have a short memory. They often will look at what has happened in the last 4 to 8 months as more important than all of the years of the relationship.

Now that you are not, or will not be, with the children 100% of the time, it is essential to strengthen your bond with them and show them that you are capable of meeting their every need.

ACTION STEPS:

If you are not in the habit of doing all of the following, I suggest that you immediately get into the habit. Of course your conduct will vary, depending upon the children’s ages.

Every action that you take, which touches your child’s life, has an impact upon your custody case. Ask yourself, do you take care of and know about each and every one of the following parental activities:

• Bath the children and put them to bed every night;

• Wake the children up in the morning, and take them to school or childcare;

• Cook – Breakfast, lunch and dinner, school lunches, after school snacks, etc.

• Help the children with their homework and projects;

• Take the children to their activities and stay during the entire activity – including ballet, piano, sports, tutoring, horseback riding, etc.;

• Pick the children up after school or daycare;

• Know the names of the children’s school principal, teachers, coaches, and child care providers;

• Know the first names of their best friends and their parents and where they live;

• Take the children for haircuts, clothes shopping and normal routine activities as well as fun stuff like the movies, miniature golf, water world, etc.;

• Host overnight parties with their friends;

• Be there for them, 24 hours a day, when they are sick, have a cut finger, or just feeling down;

• You are listed on the emergency call list at school or activities so you are called in the event of an emergency.

This list should give you a pretty good idea of where I am going with this. You must be an “integral” part of every aspect of your child’s life to be considered a Primary Parent in your custody battle.  There is nomore sharing of day to day responsibilities when the children are with you.

I can’t tell you how often a Father or a Mother tells a Judge or Custody Evaluator that he or she is a “very involved parent” and should have custody of the children.   Then when asked by the evaluator or the Judge, the name of the child’s teacher, best friend, or when he or she gets out of school, what the last report card looked like, etc. that parent has no clue. Don’t be one of these Mothers or Fathers if you want to win your custody rights.

You must show that you are just as capable of helping your kids with their homework, with their computer issues, throwing a baseball or memorizing dance steps as the other parent.

Your relationship with your children is also crucial because they will most likely be talking to a Custody Evaluator/Mediator. An Evaluator will ask your child what you do with them, who does he or she go to when sick, who helps with homework, etc. All that you do or do not do will be exposed in the evaluation, as a negative or a positive.

HAVE A GAME PLAN TO ASSURE SUCCESS  IN YOUR CUSTODY ACTION

The manner in which custody actions are handled in court, vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Normally the court makes at least one, if not more, orders for Temporary custody pending the final resolution of the case and Final court orders.

As discussed earlier, some courts have a court mediator or custody evaluator speak with Mother, Father and the children before any court appearances.

In some areas, the mediator/evaluator makes a report to the court about the mediation and his or her recommendation for a temporary custody order.

In other areas, the mediator just attempts to work out a custodial arrangement with the parents but does not give any information to the court.

Some family law courts make decisions with regard to temporary custody based upon the documents filed with the court by both sides and do not allow either Mother or Father to testify in court at the first hearing.

Some courts base their decision solely upon the written documents in the file.

Some courts have a “mini-trial” in which the parties, and possibly witnesses testify. Then oral arguments are made before temporary orders are made.

Knowing your jurisdiction’s procedure and custody laws ahead of time is very important.

For example:

Do you see a court mediator before the first child custody hearing?

Does the mediator make a report to the court or is the meeting confidential?

Is the meeting right before court or days or weeks before the first court date?

Will you have time to prepare before mediation?

Are you going to be expected to say anything or answer questions at the first custody hearing?

If you have an attorney, is your attorney the only one that will speak?

Be certain that you know the procedure. You want to be prepared for whatever may happen.

Being surprised and taken off guard can throw you completely off of your game and can make the difference between winning and losing your child custody rights and custody case.

WHO DECIDES CHILD CUSTODY?

Parents, acting in a rational manner, are the best people to decide what is in their children’s best interests. The problem is, at divorce time, numerous factors stand in the way of rational thinking.

Child support is a big issue. Fault and guilt are others. Add selfishness, hurt, anger, revenge and a whole host of emotions and watch a child’s best interests fly out of the window.

As a result, the decision is left up to the court in many cases. The problem is that the Judge does not know you, your spouse or your children. Although he or she cares about your  custody case at that moment, they will most likely not give it another thought after it is over because they will have twenty more cases to deal with.

To assist the Judge in making a decision, a Court counselor/mediator or a Private psychologist/mediator may be utilized to evaluate the family and propose a parenting plan.

One of the best options, if the two of you cannot agree upon a custodial plan, is to have a private child psychologist interview the parents, children and other relevant people to determine what type of custodial arrangement would best meet your children’s particular needs.

The psychologist will attempt to obtain an agreement for a custodial arrangement. If an agreement is impossible, they can prepare a report of his/her findings and recommendations regarding custody and submit it to the court or to the Family Court Services division of the court if the two of you agree to this ahead of time.

The advantage of a private mediation/evaluation is that you have a qualified person take whatever time is required to really understand your family and its dynamics and make an informed, educated decision about your children’s lives. The disadvantage is that generally health insurance does not cover this service, and it can be expensive. Spouses usually share the cost.

Since the children and their well-being are the most important part of a divorce, you may want to think about spending more money on a private custodial evaluator and less money on attorney fees litigating money matters.

If you do not agree to a private mediator/evaluation, the alternative is the court system. Most counties provide mediation services through an Agency. The service is usually free.

A Counselor will meet with you and your children and attempt to have you reach an agreement. If you do not agree, some counties have the counselor send a report to court with their recommendation, others do not.

The time the counselor has allotted to each family is generally very inadequate because of the sheer volume of their cases. Imagine having your children’s future decided by a stranger who meets with you and your family for about an hour. It happens every day. This is the price people pay when they allow their emotions and their pocketbooks to overrule their common sense.

Ultimately, if either of you do not like the recommendation of the private or court mediator/evaluator, or you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement, a trial is held.

At trial, a Judge, who may have little background in these matters and who doesn’t know anything about your family, will hear testimony from you, your other witnesses and the evaluators, and then decide the fate of your children.

The Judge may have an hour, a day or a few days to handle your case. You and your children have to live with the result instead of deciding your own destiny by working together and/or with a professional. The choice is up to you.

Questions included in my Blog about Divorce and Child Custody are from individuals using Yahoo.com Answers and similar sites.  I have included my answers to their questions,  hoping that my answers will provide valuable divorce and child custody information to anyone in a similar situation.

QUESTION:

How to get custody of a child?

DIANNE’S ANSWER:

To successfully obtain your custody rights, the first step is to acquire all of the knowledge that you can about how to present yourself and your custody case to the court and/or the custody evaluator.

It is important to be proactive in your case and not rely upon an attorney or the court system to do your work for you. You will be very disappointed with the outcome if you don’t take control of your case from the start.

First consider what type of custodial plan will serve the best interests of your children. Then, start your preparation to convince the Judge or Custody Evaluator that your plan is the one that will benefit your children the most.

Neither the Judge, nor the evaluator is interested in clever arguments from your lawyer.

They want to know who YOU are and why they should give YOU all of the custody rights that you are seeking.

Parents often believe that if they are a “Good Mom or Dad,” their rights will be protected. It doesn’t work that way.

After 30 years of litigating custody cases, I can assure you that unless you personally have the knowledge about what the Judge or evaluator is looking for and how to present that information in a manner in which they will be receptive, you may as well save your time and money and not pursue an aggressive plan to obtain child custody.

Lawyers don’t have the time, nor can you afford to pay them their hourly fee, to give you personal training in how to properly present yourself and your custody plan.

Read everything you can about how to win custody. There are lots of great books available on the Internet.

Just be certain that you choose books by lawyers and litigation specialists, not a dad or mom who has seen one case or a psychologist who has never presented a case to a Judge.

Once you have the knowledge about How to Succeed in Your Child Custody Case, then and only then, file the necessary documents yourself or have your lawyer file the documents for you to commence your custody action. The Clerk’s office of most courthouses will assist you with the papers necessary to start your action.

Dads Click Here for Help.

Moms Click Here for Help.

IS DIVORCE OR CHILD CUSTODY MEDIATION RIGHT FOR US?

If you want to avoid an emotionally traumatic, lengthy and expensive divorce or child custody action, then Mediation is for you.

You must be willing, however, to come to Mediation with the understanding that you will be making compromises voluntarily, rather than having the judicial system force you to make those compromises.

You have to be willing to act in good faith, with full disclosure and with the attitude that you want a fair and reasonable resolution for both of you.  Any

If you want everything in your divorce or full custody with no rights to the other parent,  and you are not willing to give in to anything, than litigation, and all of the pain and suffering that accompany it, is for you.

One of the advantages of my divorce and child custody mediation is that you don’t have to be in the same room with the other side,  and you don’t even have to talk to him or her if you don’t want to.  Emotions run high in divorce and child custody cases, and, as a result, traditional mediation doesn’t work.

I have found that the most effective way of assuring a fair and reasonable divorce settlement or child custody resolution is to allow each party to speak freely, without having to worry about the other side listening in and/or interrupting.  As a mediator, I listen to each party’s concerns and goals, help them frame them properly, and then I relay that information to the other side.  I continue to go back and forth until a resolution acceptable to both sides is attained.

By keeping the emotion and the fighting out of the divorce or custody resolution, I am able to resolve cases faster, and with much less emotion and trauma for the participants.  For more information about my Mediation techniques, click here.

QUESTION:

What are the Child Custody Laws in CA?

DIANNE’S ANSWER:

California Child Custody Laws refer to both legal custody and physical custody.

Legal custody is having the right to make decisions regarding the health, education and welfare of the child such as choosing physicians, medical care, schools, etc.

Physical custody is basically where the child lives day to day, with the parent having the right to make day to day decisions for the child.

The court can award sole legal and physical custody to a parent, or joint legal and physical custody to both parents or a combination thereof.

The general standard for determining custody is “What arrangement is in the Best Interests of the Child.”

This determination involves looking at every aspect of a child’s life including that child’s personality and unique characteristics as well as analyzing each of the parent’s abilities, personalities and relationship with the child.

If you are interested in obtaining your child custody rights, be sure to read everything you can about winning custody as early in your action as possible. The parent who is more knowledgeable about the process and better prepared is most often more satisfied with the outcome of a child custody battle.

NOTE:  The answers regarding child custody and custody laws contained herein do not apply in every jurisdiction.  They are general answers to questions on sites such as Yahoo and Wiki.  Be certain to check with a local attorney to determine if all child custody answers are applicable in your jurisdiction.  No legal advice is being given in this Blog.  General child custody concepts are being given in an attempt to help anyone facing a child custody battle to become more informed.

Today’s Thought is:

DON’T PLAY THE VICTIM IN YOUR DIVORCE OR WHEN FIGHTING FOR YOUR CHILD CUSTODY RIGHTS.

A common role we fall into when involved in a Child Custody action or Divorce action is that of the “Victim.” We seek various types of attention like sympathy, pity, or drawing others’ interest into our problems. We want to feel sorry for ourselves and we want everyone else to feel sorry for us.

When we play the role of the Victim, we can use complaining, being offended, and being outraged to bolster our position. Conduct which otherwise would not be tolerated by a healthy individual.

Remember, when asserting your child custody rights, you are the one who assigns  the role of “Victim” to yourself.

You have chosen to define yourself in this manner in your custody action and your Ego is running with it.

The problem with the Victim role, however, is that you will never be a “Winner” in your Child Custody or Divorce Action. It just does not happen to anyone playing the role of a Victim.  You will never obtain all of your custody rights nor your divorce rights when choosing the victim role.

Reassign your role from a Victim to that of a Winner. Only You have the power to reassign your role.

Take whatever steps you feel are necessary to win your custody action or divorce.

Some of the best ways to change your role are:

1. Take Charge of Your Action. Don’t leave your custody or divorce action and its outcome to others. Learn everything you can about Custody and/or Divorce, including what you can personally do to guarantee a Winning outcome. Acquiring Knowledge results in a feeling of Power and the Ability to take Control.

2. Get a Lawyer or Change Lawyers. If you are representing yourself and have found the custody or divorce process overwhelming, it may be time to hire a lawyer. You may just need some advice along the way, or you may choose to have the lawyer represent you. If your Lawyer has become complacent, it may be necessary to change lawyers. When a case draws out, and you having been playing the role of the Victim, sometimes a lawyer will lose interest in the custody or divorce case, which can really hurt your chances of success.

3.  Get a Divorce or Custody Coach. Having someone to talk to, and ask questions about your divorce or custody action, whenever you need them, at a cost that you can afford, is priceless.  Often a second opinion is really helpful to get things on track.  Sometimes you just need a little direction or for that matter, a lot of direction.  A Custody or Divorce Coach Can provide the support you need in your child custody action and divorce.  Click here for more information about coaching.

3. Get a Support Group. The internet is a great place to find child custody and divorce support groups. Also local Churches, counselors and psychologists can offer information about local support groups. Discussing issues with others in your same position can help raise you out of the Victim role.

4. See a Counselor. I advise all of my clients to have at least a couple of appointments with a counselor or psychologist. Anyone going through the emotional turmoil of a custody or divorce action needs an independent third party to talk things out. A counselor can help to level your emotions and bring you out of the Victim role.

Get rid of the Victim attitude and adopt the “Winning Attitude.”  You will be much happier with the outcome of your child custody or divorce action.

You Can Lose Your Child Custody Rights if you convey the wrong attitude in your Documents.

Fathers and Mothers don’t realize the importance of every sentence in every piece of “written evidence” in their child custody battle when they are trying to win their custody rights.

Written evidence in a child custody case can consist of the pleadings that you or your lawyer file with the court, letters between parents or attorneys.  But more important those text messages, emails, Facebook entries, and tweets  that you send when you are angry and in a tirade are also admissible in your custody case.

Often, when a parent is angry and upset about something the other parent did, they shoot off a text, email or written note to the other side or have their attorney send a letter to the opposing attorney.

The tone of the correspondence alone can turn a Judge or child custody evaluator against you. They may not feel that the incident called for such an angry response (and you may agree once you have calmed down.)

The problem is, once the writing is made, it is admissible in court in your custody trial and your chances of winning custody can decrease dramatically.

If you are represented by a lawyer, be sure to tell him or her that you want to review every single letter or document which leaves their office, whether it is directed toward the opposing attorney, the court or a custody evaluator.

If you are not represented by a lawyer, always put the document you wrote down for awhile before sending it, preferably overnight, or at least for a few hours, then review it again before deciding if it should be sent as written or modified.

When reviewing your documents, think of the following:

1. Are all of the Facts contained in the document absolutely accurate?

2. What is the tone of the document? Does it sound:

a. Professional

b. Angry

c. Accusatory

d. Controlling

e. Condescending

f. Complaining or whiney

Anything other than “Professional” is unacceptable and will hurt your chances of getting all of your child custody rights.

Don’t Let the Opposing Side use your documents against you in your child custody battle to prove that your personality may not be the same as that which you are portraying in Court.

If you are trying to prove to the court in your child custody action that you are a mature, intelligent, patient and calm parent, your writing has to reflect that type of parent.  Otherwise kiss your chances of winning custody good-bye.